The Fight
by TLSShipper
Summary: Tom's thoughts about his fight with Ashley and the consequences (SPOILERS for Season 5 Episode 5)
1. Chapter 1

AN: The fight between Tom and Ashley worried me a lot and I couldn't let go of it. And the fact that we haven't seen the solution of it makes it unbearable. So this is my attempt to fill in the missing scene. If you haven't watch Season 5 Episode 5, don't read further. Spoiler warning

„And you weren't there!" Her voice and the sentence and the implying was ringing in his head. He couldn't bear it. He slowed down his reaction, sat down on the stairs and cupped his face with his hands. There it was. He waited five years – five years – for that accusation. And when it finally dropped he wasn't prepared. He figured out he never ever could have been prepared for this. He felt like someone stabbed him with a knife.

"Oh Ashley." He whispered, shaking his head he repeated "Ashley".

Straitening a little on the steps he heard her speak again: "You don't belong here. You belong out there."

The next blow he had to take. The next stabbing at his heart. He looked at his son who was staring in disbelief at his sister and then at him, saying nothing at all. But had doubt all written over his face. Another stab to his heart. Then his eyes searched Sasha's. She was standing in the kitchen, eyes full of tears but didn't say a word. The imaginary knife hit him again. The most important people in the world to him stared at him, hoping for any reaction from him. He couldn't stand the pressure and the failure. He stood up, grabbed his keys and went out of the door. Leaving them behind.

Sitting in his truck he took a deep breath and started the car. He drove around for almost an hour. He didn't know how he got there but he was standing in front of the bar he used to visit with his colleagues from time to time. Walking in he made his way to the counter.

Joe the barkeeper greeted him "Oh Admiral, didn't expect you to see you on a weekday." While speaking he poured a glass of whiskey and handed it to him, knowing what Tom normally drank. Tom nodded his head and took the glass in his hand and tossed the burning liquid down in one swing. Putting the glass down he gestured for another shot. Joe took the bottle and poured him another drink.

"Keep it going, Joe." Tom said nodding to the liquid.

While sitting there and drinking one whiskey after the other, Ashley's words repeated in his head all over again. It was like being in a loop. " _I'm sorry I'm the one you got stuck with. I'm sorry your mom died. And you weren't here. You don't belong here._ " Even after three hours since the fight the words hurt. What could he have done better? He hadn't had a choice five years ago, hadn't he? He knew they were save at the cabin. And finding the cure was his mission. He was a soldier after all. He takes orders and execute them without questioning them. And if it means to leave his family behind he has to do it, if he wants to or not. That's a soldier's and sailor's life. Darien knew this and he had thought that his kids knew it too. But apparently he was wrong. He downed the next glass down his throat and poured another drink. Joe had left the bottle at his side, so Tom was now half way through the bottle. At some point Joe had asked him for his keys. Thinking about to argue with him he had turned them over without a fight. Now he was staring into space.

" _At least I'm honest. I'm not the one who told my new school my last name was Gerome._ " His own son negated his last name. Unbelievable.

" _It's a lot of pressure being Tom Chandler's kids_." Sasha's voice came to his mind.

" _You knew about this?"_

" _It wasn't my place to say anything."_ How was it possible that she hasn't talked to him about it? It was the second time she said this sentence. What was going on? She was his girlfriend after all. He talked with her about his demons long time ago when they started dating again. She knew that he feared the accusation of not being there the most. She knew how he felt about it. And she said nothing! _"It wasn't my place to say anything."_ How could she bring him into this position? Letting him run into the opened knife.

" _How am I suddenly a stranger in my own home?_ " He didn't recognize his family any more. What has changed? His kids don't want to live with him anymore. His girlfriend is constantly on missions getting intel from all over the world.

" _I'm trying to be here for you_ ".

And all he got to hear was " _And it shows. You shouldn't have to try dad._ "

What was going on? Why had he the feeling that his family was falling apart? What if Ashley was right? What if he really doesn't belong here? What if fate made a mistake and not his wife should have died but he?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Meanwhile in Chandler's house the three of them left behind had to come to terms with what just happened.

Sitting on the sofa with a hot steaming mug of cocoa in her hand Sasha reflected on the event that happened some hours ago.

She hasn't even thought about the occasion that he will leave without a word. He wasn't a guy who leaves the scene when it gets hot. He normally stands up to his opinion and discuss the things that bothers him. But seeing him leaving without a word was new to her. It worried her. What went wrong? It was supposed to be a nice weekend and spending time with the kids. She hasn't seen them for a long time and she was looking forward to see them again. But this? This isn't the scene she imagined for them all. This whole discussion with Ashley run out of the rudder. Sasha hasn't thought that Ashley could be such a little girl. How dare she talked to her father. The girl standing in front of her wasn't the girl she remembered. What happened with her? What happened in St. Louis?

And Tom? She hasn't seen him shouting at his children in all those years they were together. Sasha didn't know he was capable to do it. He didn't reconsider what he was shouting at her. " _I don't have that luxury._ " No, he hasn't really the luxury to live a normal life. Every time they went out to dinner or just walking in the park, people recognized him. He couldn't do anything anonymous. And lecturing at the Academy was rudimental a normal employment for him. She knew Tom had taken the job so that he can be at home for the kids and not getting deployed again. And now the kids abandoned him and lived in another city. Even considering to take on the maiden name of their mother. It must really hurt him.

She tried Tom's phone again for the umpteenth time. Every time the call went to voice mail "This is Tom Chandler. Leave a message and your number and I'll call back as soon as I can." Hearing his voice soothed her a little bit, but on the other hand she became more afraid. Where the hell was he? Didn't he think about her and that she'd be worried?

"Tom, it's me, again. Where are you? Can you call me back, please?" Sasha pleaded.

She asked herself a hundreds time if she could have prevent this fight? But every time she came to the conclusion that she wasn't in the position to interfere. She had no say in the upbringing of his kids, had she? They were his kids, not hers. And even when she wished she had a saying, had she taken his side?

Getting more and more restless Sasha took out her phone again and dialed the number of another man she hoped to get answers from.

* * *

Back upstairs Sam was sitting on his bed and felt sick for fear to have really hurt his father. Seeing his face full of doubt and hurt, it was too much for him to handle. Sam hasn't seen his father like that before. Even when he found them in Baltimore and hearing about Darien's death, he hadn't that look on his face like he had when Ashley said what she said.

" _At least I'm honest. I'm not the one who told my new school my last name was Gerome._ " His sister stabbed him into his back. How could she be such a bitch?

" _It's a lot of pressure being Tom Chandler's kids_." Sasha's voice came to his mind. Yes, it is. That's why he moved to St. Louis and tried to hide his real name. He couldn't do it in Annapolis where his father and he lived. And he couldn't talk to him about it. He was scared that his father would be mad at him.

When he had a bad mark at school his teachers looked at him disappointed. He could read the question on their faces " _And you are really Tom Chandler's son_?" Sam couldn't handle the pressure he got every day. Even his friends teased him that he was Tom Chandler's son. Especially when he couldn't perform an excellent throw or run at sports. How could it be that his father saved the world and fought heroically while he, Sam, was only ordinary at sports and school? By moving away he avoided talking to his father.

But now? Was it really better to run to St. Louis and avoiding the talk? Taking on his mother's maiden name? After today this idea wasn't that brilliant any more. The face of his father came back to his mind. It was full of hurt and disbelief. How on earth could he, Sam, so cruel to his dad? How could he hurt him so much after all his dad had done for them? He gave up his military career to be with them. And this is the way they payed him back? No wonder why he left them without a word. What will he do when his father wouldn't come back?


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm so sorry with the delay. I haven't abandoned this fic. But I don't have the time to write on a regular basis. So have patience with me.**

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

He felt someone taking the place next to him at the counter. Tom didn't need to turn around to know who was sitting next to him.

"How have you found me?"

"Well, I'm smarter than you are." Mike stated and took the bottle away from him.

"Hey, I haven't finish that yet." Tom protested. "You wanna have a shot?"

"No, you drank enough for both of us." They sat in silence for some time.

"How have you found me?" Tom asked again.

Mike sighed "Sasha called you and you never answered. So she called me if you were at my place. And after she told me what happened I figured out that you might be here drinking the last intelligence you have out of your mind."

"She called? Well, she should have called me some time ago and telling me that my kids hate me and that they have problems to be my kids! Has she told you that?"

"No, she told me that you and Ashley had a fight and one word lead to the other and that you left without a word. That isn't you, Tom. So why don't you tell me what really happened?" Mike asked and wondered for the first time what happened in Chandler's house.

Tom snorted. "Yeah, that sounds like Sasha. Only giving a part of information to you and the rest you can figure out by yourself. Or better than that, your kids can't stand their given name and choose to use the maiden name of their deceased mother."

Mike was shocked at this confession. Neither Sasha nor the kids had talked to him about it. All he knew was that Ash and Tom got into a fight and that she accused him not being there when they needed him most. He knew that this particular topic was a sore point for Tom. He knew that Tom felt really guilty for not being around when his family was infected. He could only manage a shocked "What?"

Tom sighed. He knew that Mike won't go away until he had told him what happened. So he took a deep breath and began to tell "Ashley came by at South Com and waited for me two hours. I hadn't time to talk to her. So she went home mad at me. And I can really understand it, you know. I was so in thoughts about Tavo and we all talked about strategies that I forgot her being there. When I saw her leave I immediately had a bad conscious but I was asked back at the strategic table. So when I went home, Sasha had made dinner and we chatted away. Suddenly one word led to the other and when Ash draw blood at the splintered glass the situation got out of control. She was unteachable. And Sam asked her why she is such a bitch. He had a point, you know. Everything I said wasn't right in her ears." He paused for a moment and sighed again. Looking at Mike. "She answered that she is honest with me. Because she wasn't the one who told the school her last name was Gerome. But Sam did." Again he had to swallow. It hurt a lot. Has he failed his kids that bad? Mike didn't know what to say. He knew that Tom will tell him all what happened when he was ready for it. He heard Tom chuckled a little bit.

"And then Sasha told me that it is a lot of pressure to be Tom Chandler's kids. And you know what, Mike, she told me after I asked her if she knew about it, that it wasn't her place to say anything! So has she told you about this too? Or only that I went out without telling her where I go?" He paused "It isn't her place to say anything? She is my girlfriend, for gods sake. She is suppose to say something to me. To give me a hint that something is going wrong with me and the kids. But she said nothing, Mike. G! You still think that I'm the bad guy here?"

Mike couldn't say anything. It was worse than he thought. He could see the hurt in his friend's face. And he felt it too. What had Sasha thought? Why hadn't she told him or gave him a hint? What was wrong with his two friends?

Tom continued "And then Ashley dropped the bomb I'm waiting for for some years now: She accused me not being there when they needed me most!" He let out a deep sight "And you know what, she is right. I wasn't there when they needed me. I was on that damned ship and turned around to get to Cuba and find the damn cure. I knew exactly where they were. They were all healthy. The only problem was that the radio was out of order and Darien tried to get the right equipment so that they could fix it. And why did they have to fix it?" Tom asked but Mike knew he wasn't waiting for an answer from him. Tom continued "Because they wanted to get a hold on me, to tell me they were okay. If I would have been there with them at the cabin, Darien needn't to go to the city and get the right equipment. Because I would have been there. She would still be alive." His voice broke with the last sentence. "They would have still a mother who loves them, be there for them and be their anchor in this world. Now they are stuck with me, who doesn't know if he belongs in this world or not. Who doesn't know how to raise his own kids, who doesn't know if he can fix this situation or his family." A sob escaped him but he continued "I feel like a stranger in my own house, Mike. The kids are living in another city. I don't nothing about them. I don't even know if Sam continued to play hockey or if Ashley is still in the debating club. And Sasha – she is more away from me than with me. She is keeping her distance more and more. I'm afraid of loosing her. And it is all my fault. All my fault." He broke at that point.

Mike had seen him broken only once in his whole life. It was on the plane after Tom shot Shaw. But seeing him in this condition again, it was harder than he ever imagined. He was lost for words.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Ashley was sitting in the alcove her father had build for her in her room. Tears were running down her cheeks. Why was she so sad about this whole situation? She was right and she knew it.

He wasn't the doting dad she knew when they were younger and lived in Norfolk. Sometimes he was a complete stranger to her. Where did her dad go? It all began when he went to the Arctic and her mother died. He wasn't the same man when he came home. She had seen a lot of bad things. But the worst scenes were when she had to see her mother dying in Sam's arms at the backseat in her grandfather's car. And then when her grandfather was murdered in front of her and Sam. They were so scared. She didn't know why the men killed her grandfather but after some time she understood that it was all about her father. He was the reason her grandfather had to die. He was not there when she needed him most. And he wasn't there when her mother died. So she **did** say the truth to him some hours ago. But why did it hurt her so much?

And today at South Com was the last thing she needed to explode. She was looking forward to this weekend. Spending time with her dad and Sasha. She loved to be home and get a proper meal and have conversations. She imagined to go out to the park or to the beach and spend some time with them. But all she got was to be stuck in South Com and her dad discussing things with other people. He didn't turn his attention to her once while she was there. So she left. And it was the right thing to do.

And dinner wasn't perfect. Sasha made some soup and it wasn't what Ashley had imagined to be. And the conversations she wanted to have turned out to be interrogations and discussions with her father. It was all too frustrating. And then she snapped at him. And it felt so so good. But now in her room it didn't feel so good anymore. The hurt look on his face made her feel guilty. Was this fight worth to hurt them as a family?

Meanwhile in the bar Mike laid a hand on Tom's shoulder. "We should get going, Tom."

"No, no. I can't go back to them right now, Mike. I … I just can't."

"You don't have to. You can crash at my place for the night. Come on old man." Mike grabbed Tom to stand up and walked towards the door. He had paid the bill some minutes before and took Tom's keys from Joe. The ride to Mike's place was filled with silence. And even when they got into the apartment no one said a thing. Tom went straight to the sofa while Mike went to his bedroom and brought a T-shirt for Tom. "Here, for tonight. Towels and toothbrush are in the drawer under the sink."

"Thank you, Mike." Tom sight.

"Always Tom. That's what friends are for." Mike replied and walked towards his room. But before he could enter he heard a whispered question "What am I suppose to do when they are leaving me?" Mike turned around to see a devastated Tom sitting on the sofa. "What am I going to do, Mike? How can I survive this?" Tom asked him looking into his eyes.

"They won't leave you, Chandler. Your kids love you. But you know, they are kids and they say sometimes something very stupid. So you'll talk to them tomorrow and you'll see. Everything will be fine." Mike tried to reassure his friend.

"And Sasha? You think she still loves me? She won't leave me?"

"Well, you are sometimes a jerk, you know. And I don't get always why she stays with you. But I do know that you love her and she loves you. You can't take your eyes off of her when you are both in the same room. When she enters a room it is your head which turns to the door and get a look at her. But you do it only when it is her who enters a room. If it is Meylan or someone from the staff you don't bother to look up. It's like you have a sixth sense when it comes to her." Mike paused looking at his friend. "And she loves you, Chandler."

"How can you be so certain about this?"

"What I just told you, it's the same with Sasha. She can't get her eyes off you too."

"Then why has she said nothing to me about the kids? Why is she always on a mission? Why can't she stay with me?" Tom asked.

"That, my friend, is something you have to ask her by yourself." That said, Mike turned around and went to bed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Late in the evening Sasha went to bed without any updates from Tom or a call. She laid on their bed staring at the ceiling. She tried to sleep but her thoughts and fears kept her awake. At some point she switched on the light and stared into space.

"Have you heard anything from my dad?" Ashley asked after seeing her still awake.

"No, nothing." Sasha answered in a sad voice. She gestured Ashley to come in. The girl went immediately to her and laid down on Tom's side. Both were staring at the ceiling.

"Even nothing from uncle Mike?"

"No, he hasn't called either."

"I'm sorry, Sasha." Ashley said after a while.

"For what?" Sasha sat up and leaned her back on the headboard knowing that she can't sleep and that Ashley wanted to talk.

"For ruining our weekend. For shouting at dad and saying the things I said." Ashley mimicked Sasha's action and sat up.

"Well, Ash, it is a little bit too late for that, I suppose." She sighed and seeing tears well up in Ashley's eyes she acted on instinct and grabbed her by her wrist and took her into her lap. "Did you know that this special topic is one of the topics he has fought with?" When Ashley shook her head, Sasha continued. "Your father talked about it when we dated after coming back from the Med. He told me that the fact he wasn't there for you and your mother made him very sad. The fact that she died without him saying good bye and that you and your brother had to deal with it all alone haunted him all the time. He thinks he led you down. Dealing with it all alone."

She paused a little and continued after stroking Ashley's hair. " Yes, you are right. He wasn't there for your mom and for you and your brother. But you have to see, that he was there for all the other people in the world. He saved humanity. I know it isn't the comfort you want to hear, but if your dad would have turned around only to be with you, there wouldn't be a cure and a country to live in. There wouldn't be any of us left."

"I know that, but ..." She whispered and looked down again.

"But?" Sasha asked tentatively.

"Sometimes I miss my mom so much."

"I know honey." Sasha wrapped her arms around her and hold her tight. Helping the girl to get some comfort. While they were talking Sam came in the room as well and laid on the other side of Sasha so that she was framed from the kids. After a while Sasha spoke "I'm sorry that I'm not the one you need. I'm not your mom and I know that she was someone very special to you and your father. But I promise, if you need me in any way I'll try my best to help you. Okay?"

The kids looked at her confused "Why do you think that you're not special?" Sam asked. "You helped me when I had reading problems. And you sat at my side when I broke my arm last year. That's what my mom would have done. You are special, Sasha." He hugged her then and tears were falling from his eyes while she held hers back.

"Yeah, Sasha, Sam is right. You are here for us. You call and talk to us and ask about our day or week. And what I said earlier about you, it isn't that bad. Yes, you love your job and sometimes I do think that you are a war machine but you care and try to hold us together." Ashley said, hugging her too.

"Thank you so much, I love you both as if you're my own kids. So this means a lot to me." Sasha said overwhelmed.

"I love you, too." Sam and Ash said simultaneously. They both grinned and after a while all three of them fall to sleep.

* * *

Tom woke up in the middle of the night, confused to not lay in his own bed. But then memory took over and he led out a soft groan. Not only to erase his memory but also from his headache. " _Serves you right, Chandler._ " he thought. " _What a mess I made_." He sat up and looked around the place. Knowing that he couldn't go back to sleep he went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water. Next to the sink he found some painkillers and took the pill to ease his throbbing head. Walking back to the living room his eyes caught a framed picture on the side board. He walked over and took it in his hands.

The picture was taken a year ago when they all celebrated Alisha's birthday. Mike was standing at his right side while Sasha was wrapped in his arms on the left. They were all smiling and everyone could see their happiness and easiness. It was a lovely day and he remembered how happy he was at that day. He and Sasha met each other after she came back from another mission and he was so glad to see her coming back safe and uninjured. He couldn't get his hands from her. He remembered that they went to the hotel earlier than scheduled because of the lack of intimacy. All they wanted to do was spending the night together and holding each other tight. He knew it then as he knew it now: He loved her and he wanted to spent the rest of his life with her. Setting down the picture he knew what to do: Going home and fix the things with the ones he loves. Seeing his keys on the coffee table he grabbed them and put on his shoes and leaving a note for Mike.

* * *

When Tom came home in the early hours he found the three of them in his bed. Sasha was in the middle while Sam was on her left and Ashley on her right side. Sasha's arms were wrapped around the kids and they all slept peacefully. He stood at the bedroom door and looked at the scene. His heart went out to all of them and he knew in that moment that his behavior was inexcusable. He took out his phone for the first time since yesterday evening and saw that he had a couple of missed calls from Sasha. He muted the phone at Southcom and forgot about it. Still standing at the frame he took a picture of his family and turned around to go downstairs. Sitting in the living room he listened to all of Sasha's messages. Hearing the fear and panic in her voice. He was asking himself if he had damaged his whole family with his behavior and if he can ever fix the problem. " _But I have to_ " he thought. " _If not for me then for them._ "

After some minutes he went to the bathroom on the ground floor and took a quick shower and went through his morning routine. He found some comfortable clothes in the laundry room and went to the kitchen to make his kid's favorite breakfast: pancakes, bacon and eggs and orange juice.

Sasha woke up startled from a noise. She listened carefully and was convinced that someone was in the house downstairs. Carefully not to wake the kids she slipped out of the bed and went downstairs. When she got half down the stairs she could see lights in the kitchen and hearing someone pottering around. Her heart made a flip flop when she saw the cause of the pottering.

While Tom made the dough he had the feeling that someone was observing him. He looked up from his task and saw Sasha standing in the middle of the stairs. He put everything down and went to her. Walking from Mike's house to his had last a while and he had plenty of time to think about what he wants to say to his family. He came up with a plan but now standing in front of Sasha all his thoughts went out of his head and left him struggling for words.

"I ..." he cleared his throat. "I heard your messages half an hour ago. I switched off the phone at Southcom and I haven't heard your calls." He moved his hand forward to touch her but he wasn't sure if this gesture is welcomed so he stopped and dropped his hand back at his side. "I'm sorry, Sash. I really am. Can we … can we sit down and talk about it?" He asked tentatively.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Sasha blinked back the forming tears and nodded her head. "You shouldn't tell me how sorry you are. You should say it to your kids, Tom" She said stiff and walked to the sofa.

"I will, but I have to apologize to you too." He said sincerely. "I should have handled the situation better but I haven't. I wasn't prepared to have this conversation at all. It came out of the blue and then learning from the kids that you knew about all this hurt me."

" **I** hurt you?" Sasha ask shocked. "How can you accuse me of hurting you? When it is **you** who hurt all the people who care about you."

"I hurt you?" He asked disbelievingly "Oh yeah that's great. Blame everything on me. It doesn't matter, really. I was and I am the bad guy here who doesn't appreciate the things he has and who doesn't have any feelings at all. Thank you, Sasha!" He was furious now. He wanted to apologize and have a normal conversation with her and the kids but obviously she had other things in mind.

"Oh come on, Tom. Don't try to blame me for your lack of understanding and your behavior. May I remind you that it was **you** who walked away?" She said accusatory and folded her arms in front of her. A tell tale of her that she was really mad.

Tom looked at her in disbelief and he opened his mouth to say something bad when he saw movement at the corner of his eyes. His head turned to the stairs and he saw his kids standing in the hallway. He led out a sigh and went to his kids without looking back at Sasha.

"Hey you two. Good morning." He greeted them. But both of his kids stayed silent. "Can we talk?" he asked carefully. Their only answer was a nod and they turned around to go upstairs. Tom followed them with a little distance, ignoring Sasha at all.

They walked in Ashley's room and the kids went to the bed while Tom sat down on the chair. He looked at them and when they didn't show any reaction he let out a sigh and said "Look, I'm sorry that I handled the situation the wrong way and for walking away." He said sincerely "I can't take back what I said but I want to explain my behavior. Okay?" Again only the nods of their heads.

"Ashley, what you said that I'm not happy with you here and that I want to be back on the ship isn't quite correct. It's half the truths. Yes, I love to be on a ship. I know exactly what to do and I have rules I follow and every other crew member knows them as well. I don't have to think about how to manage a life between being a dad and school and work or scheduling how you get to your friends or plays. Living on and commanding a ship is easy for me because I was trained for this. But I wasn't trained for a normal life with kids. I thought it would be easy too and that I don't need to invest so much time in it. I realized I was wrong. And I'm so so sorry for handling it all the wrong way.

When we came back from the Med, I was the only one who you could depend on. I had to be the parent you haven't had in a long time. Even when I wasn't deployed your mom managed all of it. So it was a learning curve for me and I failed completely. But worst of it all is that I failed you two. Taking the job at the academy was the only way I saw for us to be a normal family. I couldn't stay in active duty because there would have been a time they deployed me and I'm not allowed to decline the order. And if I had to go on a mission where would you two stay? Who would take care of you in that time? So active duty wasn't an option for me, because I wanted to make sure that you don't have to deal with a situation where you have to deal with dangers and threatening like you had to deal with in the past.

Then he continued But then you two moved out and I took it personally. I couldn't and honestly I still can't understand why you left me. Perhaps you can tell me at some point? I promise to not get mad at you. I just want to know what I did wrong that you two ran for the hills." He paused for a moment and looked at his kids.

Ashley's face was stony and Sam hang his head a little and looked down at the floor. He didn't know if he should be honest with his dad too or not. He didn't want to hurt him again. But on the other hand he appreciated his dad's honesty so he figured out he had to be honest with him too. "I'm sorry, dad. I didn't see all this. What you gave up for us and that I hurt you by moving out. But I missed Ashley and well, you weren't quite here. I caught you more than once that you stared into space and it seemed you were unhappy. So I thought you want to be alone and can do whatever you want to do without me holding you back." Tears were falling from his eyes and Tom reached out and grabbed his son tightly.

"Oh Sam, I'm sorry. You aren't in my way. I admit I struggle a lot to be at home but it was never because of you. It is me that I can't figure out. So I do want you in my life. I love you so much." He bend down and kissed Sam's head.

"There is more." Sam whispered.

"Tell me?"

"You won't get mad at me?"

"No, son. I promise. So tell me."

"It is difficult to be your son."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Tom was shocked and he gulped hard. "What do you mean?" He whispered.

"When I find new friends they are nice to me. But when I tell them that I'm Sam Chandler everyone ask me if I am your son. And when I say yes, that's my dad everybody is asking me stuff about you. And when I mess up in school everybody tells me that I can't be your son because I'm too shoddy. Even the teachers are treating me like this." Sam's voice broke a little and tears were falling down his cheeks.

"Oh god, Sam. Why haven't you told me this?" Tom asked him while holding him tight. Sam's only answer was a shrug. "I would have gone to the principal and discussed this with him and the staff. That is my job to deal with and not yours. They can't treat you like this." After a pause he asked "And now, are your classmates treating you correctly?"

"Yes, they do. They don't know about you, though." He said apologetic.

Tom gulped again. "It's okay, well it's not. But I can accept this. As long as you are okay with this, then I'll be okay with it."

"So you aren't mad at me?"

"Honestly, I was hurt to hear that you don't use your given name, but after I know the truth, I'm not mad."

Sam hold onto him again and said "Thank you daddy, I love you."

"I love you too, son. And if you ever want to come back to me and stay with me, you are always welcomed. I hope you know that. And Sam," he looked at him "you can call me anytime even when it is in the middle of the night or day or whatever. I want to know what is going on, okay?"

"Okay."

Tom felt a load off his mind that he solved his problem with his son. Now he had to figure out to solve his issues with the ladies of his household. He looked at Ashley who was astonishingly quiet. "So, Ashley I think now it's your turn and I have to explain my behavior for going away." Tom paused and took a deep breath. It wasn't easy for him but he has to fix his relationship with his daughter. "The main reason why I left yesterday was the bomb you threw at me by mentioning that I wasn't there for you two and mom. Honestly I waited a long time for this accusation and I thought I was prepared but I wasn't and I will never be." He paused and took a deep breath again. This topic is one of the hardest he ever had to go through. He looked them in the eyes and all he saw was sadness. He failed his kids. He knew it. And to realize it made it even worse. Again he let out a deep breath and continued.

"I was send to the Arctic without knowing what was going on in the world or at home. I only got the news four months later after we finished our weapon testing and I was giving orders to take Dr. Scott to one of the labs and to get the cure. So I did what I was ordered to do. Believe me, I've always thought about you and your mom. I even recorded some tapes and let you know how I was feeling. But I could never sent them to you because we had to stay radio silent and when I was allowed to contact you, the world had changed. Did you know that I tried to reach you?" He asked them. They shook their heads, again saying nothing.

"I tried our house in Norfolk, then Grandpa's, my sister's, hell even my brother. But the line was dead. I feared the worst but I hoped that you would be save somewhere. After some days I was asked to come down to CIC because we got a message from headquarters. So I went down to CIC with Mike and I sat down, took the earphones and waited for the message the Pentagon wanted to give us. And when the face of your mother came up on the monitor I was shocked and relieved at the same time. It was so good to see her and you two but at the same time it hurt a lot. Knowing that you have to deal with all this alone, knowing I couldn't take care of you, knowing I failed to protect you. But on the other hand I was so happy to hear from you. To know that all of you were healthy and that you stayed at the cabin. I sat there for almost an hour, playing the tape back and forth only to see you and hear your voices." He paused again and hoped the kids especially Ashley would say something but they both stayed silent. So he continued.

"When we made port in Baltimore I brought Dr. Scott to the labs. My task was done. So I went to a radio and tried to contact you again. I don't know how long I sat there always repeating the same sentence and hoping to hear something from you. And at some point I heard my dad saying my name. I was so relieved and then I asked him where you were. When I heard you were all in Baltimore I said to him to stay were he was and that I get there. By the time I went to the tire shop you weren't there any more. But fortunately I found you right in time. You don't know how happy I was to see you all alive and to hold you in my arms. It was a wonderful moment but on the other side it was the most awful moment as well, when I learned that your mom died. When I realized that she was gone I was sad but I couldn't let my grief for her compromise my mission: To get you and dad safely to the James. I know I don't talk about her that much, but you have to believe me, I loved her very much and I wish she would still be alive and be here with us. I do miss her, you know? Sometimes when I manage to make something work I think " _You have to tell Darien_." and then I realize that she isn't here anymore. But even when she is dead she is always in my heart and thoughts. And believe me, she would never appreciate the things I had done in the last five years concerning you two. I know I failed you, I really do. But I didn't know how to do it better. So I hope the two of you will forgive me someday for messing this up and tell me how to make it better." He looked at them with tears in his eyes. He didn't know what else to say. He knew he had messed up and he didn't really know how to fix it. But he knew that honesty is always better than lies.

Sam was the first who broke the silence. "You really tried to find us?"

"Yes, Sam, I really did. And if you don't believe me, call Uncle Mike and ask him." He looked at his daughter who hasn't said anything at all and always scrutinized him. " _She is so much like me._ " he thought. It was hard for someone to get his trust and it was even harder for that person to get his trust back after that person messed up. He had lost his daughter's trust and he hoped that she will give him another chance.

"You know," Ash said after a while "you really messed this up." She looked at him. "You are always working, dad. Always. We haven't had a weekend with you alone in years. It's like you don't know what to do with us."

He looked at her shocked "That isn't true, Ash, and you know that."

"Oh really? I sat over two hours at South Com and waited for you to see me. Two hours, dad!"

"I'm sorry, Ash. But these are certain circumstances. We are in war and I can't say to my boss, sorry, my kids are in town and I want to have a break."

"Oh really? Then why have you invited me? You could have told me you don't have time. It would have been okay for me. But you never looked at me. You totally forgot about me!"

He hanged his head. She was right. He really forgot she was sitting in the other room. He had lost the track of time. "I'm really sorry, Ashley. I can't make it undone, but I really hope you can forgive me." He said sincerely "I'm a workaholic. I love my job. But I also love you. I'm not perfect and I will never be. But I try to make it better." He pleaded with her now. He know he was pathetic but if she wanted him on his knees and beg, he would give it to her. He had to make it up to them, somehow.

It was Sam who saw that his father struggled and really tried to make them understand what was going on in his life. So he turned to Ashley and nudged her in the side "Don't be so strict with him. He really tries."

Ashley looked at her brother in disbelief and then at her father trying to process what she heard from him. It seemed to her that he really was sorry and that he will try to be different in the future. But on the other hand she wanted to stay mad at him. Then she needn't to see that she had done some failure too. Looking at Tom she saw that he had tears in his eyes. It was the first time she'd ever seen him crying or almost crying. It shocked her and made her realize that she might hurt him a lot. So she gave herself a start and told him "I love you, dad and I'm sorry that we ruined the weekend."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Downstairs Sasha was furious. How dare he put the guilt onto her. How dare he could accuse her to hurt him. If someone had hurt the other it was him. She paced in the room for some time trying to cool down. While debating with herself her phone rang.

"Yes," she said a little harsh.

"Cooper?" Mike asked and continued without waiting for an answer. "Sorry to disturb but is Tom at home? He was with me last night and when I woke up he was gone."

"Yes, he is here."

"Oh thank god." He let out a breath. "How … how is he?" He asked.

"Well, he wanted to talk with me but he accused me for hurting him and one word let to the other. Fortunately the kids interrupted and he is now talking to them upstairs for quite some time now."

"Oh that's good. I mean the talking to his kids."

"Yes, whatever."

"Look, Sasha, he was in a very dark place last night and you know that the topic Ashley brought up is one of Tom's sore points. He really blames himself for not being around when the pandemic broke out and not being able to rescue his wife. He loved her very much and her death weighed a lot on him." He paused for a moment trying to figure out how to talk to her about the things Tom told him last night.

"Well, Mike, he isn't the only one who has lost a beloved one." Sasha countered back.

"I know and he does it too. But Sasha it is rather something completely different when you loose a spouse than the mother of your children. It weights a lot more on your shoulders. And especially when there are kids around who could judge you for not helping them.

When I spoke with Christine and learned that my son died it ate me up. Not only the fact that he was gone and I couldn't say goodbye. It was also the accusation my wife throw at me: That I should have been there with them, that I should have helped them go through this mess, that I should be the one she could depend on and not dealing with all this alone. I couldn't do anything to prevent this but she didn't see it at all. She only knew that **I** wasn't there when she and my kids needed me most. I lost my family and it still hurts but noone is nagging me about the fact that I wasn't around when they needed me. Just me. But for Tom on the other hand it's a totally different situation. He is blaming himself for years that he couldn't rescue Darien, that he came five hours too late. He had always feared the moment one of his kids accuse him of the fact he wasn't there. And what can I say, he handled the situation in the worst way. But can I blame him for this? No I can't. He is torturing himself for years now.

And I think that the blow Sam gave him by revealing not using his last name than rather using Darien's maiden name is another blow in the gut for him. And learning that you knew about this hurt him."

"Oh, so you are blaming me for hurting him too? I can't believe it."

"No Sasha, I'm not blaming you. I just want you to see how it works in a relationship when kids are involved. They say things to the one they know not getting mad and to whom they have the most trust. They knew they would hurt Tom by telling him their problems. So they turned to you. Knowing that you won't get hurt and can give them an advice. But kids are manipulative, and believe me, I know what I'm talking about. They say the things they have to say and hope that the one they confessed to talk to the person they originally wanted to say the things. So when they say something so important to you about their problems, then they want a) to let you know because you care and b) to address the problem to their father who should know about it. But both were afraid to talk to him.

What I'm trying to say is, that Tom is partially right that you hurt him. You kept this information to yourself instead of talking to Tom and smoothing the way for him and the kids or to give him a hint that something is wrong. He ran into the open knife in this argument.

So, when you two talk, and believe me, you two have to talk about it, then remember my two cents and solve the problem. Because he really loves you."

"How can you be so sure about this?" She whispered with tears in her eyes.

"Because he said it to me. I don't know if I should tell you, but I think after my speech I have to. He is afraid to loose you because of this mess. Hell, he was a mess after we came to my place. Talking about you and hoping that he can fix this. He is terrified to loose you. I said to him that he is a jerk but that you love him albeit I can't see why. So please don't chop his head off and don't let me look stupid in this. So neither you two have to come to headquarters today. I want you to solve your problem and I don't want so see any of you today. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir. And Mike, thanks for talking to me." She said and was really glad that he talked to her.

"Any time, Sasha." He replied and hoped both of them solved their issues.

* * *

Coming down the stairs with his kids Tom saw that Sasha has made breakfast. He could see that this whole situation bothered her. He sighed inwardly. When he thought that talking to his kids was hard enough he didn't know how to address the situation talking to her. He prepared himself for an outburst and a tornado going through his house. But he didn't expect her reaction at all.

"So? Everything solved?" She asked them. When all three of them nodded she continued walking into the kitchen to get something."Good. Breakfast is ready, sit down."

The kids went to their places and Tom into the kitchen to make himself a coffee. But before he pushed the button he went to her and touched her shoulder lightly. "Thank you for making breakfast."

"No need to thank me." she replied and put her hand onto his. This gesture meant a lot for both of them. For Sasha to let him know that she doesn't want to fight any more and for him that she wasn't mad at him. She turned her head towards his and looked at him. He stepped a little closer and taking her into his arms whispering in the crock of her neck "I'm sorry, Sash. For everything. Please don't be mad at me."

She hold onto him and replied "I'm sorry too, Tom. I'm not mad at you. But we have to talk about this."

"I know. Perhaps after the kids leave?" He asked and looked at her.

"Yes" She nodded her head.

"I love you." Tom said and kissed her.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter** **9**

Sitting at the breakfast table Tom looked at the ones he hurt so much. He couldn't bear the silence any more.

"So, what do you want to do today?" he asked his kids.

They looked at him in disbelieve "Wh...what we wanna do?" Sam asked perplexed.

"Yeah." Tom confirmed. "You guys came here to hang out in your rooms or to spend some time with your old man?"

"I thought you have to work today." Ash stated.

"I do but I decided to hang out with you guys." Tom answered.

"You can skip work that easily?"

"No, but I think we need some time together especially when we haven't seen us in months. So any idea what we can do?"

After some seconds Sam yelled "Climbing" He looked at his sister and then back at his father.

"Climbing hall it is." He nodded his head and then looked at Sasha. When she sensed him looking at her she looked at him with a neutral expression. "You wanna come with us?" He asked her immediately.

"I don't know." She hesitated. "I think you three need some time alone, you know." She knew that she needed some time alone to think about everything that happened.

"Oh come on Sasha," Sam whined. "We need you there. Who is gonna kick dad's ass when you're not with us at the climbing hall? We don't have a chance against him."

Sasha had to smile against her own will. She looked at Sam and in that moment she saw a young version of Tom, full of innocence and hope. She couldn't say no. "Okay."

"Yeah." Sam jumped up from his chair and went over and hugged her.

It was a lovely day and despite of being in war with South America Tom enjoyed being with his kids and not thinking about any strategy to defeat their enemy. To his delight Sasha came with them and he could see she was determined to make the day better for the kids. She just came down from the climbing wall and Tom steadied her a little bit. He was tired of being around her and not touching her. When he grabbed her hip he leaned into her and kissed her. First he thought she would step out of his hold and slap him but after some seconds she relaxed and responded to his kiss. After coming up for air he leaned his forehead against hers and said "Sorry, I couldn't resist to kiss you. I know I messed up a lot and I hope you can forgive me at some stage." he sighed but continued "Thank you for coming with us. It means a lot to me and to them" nodding his head towards his kids who were standing at the other climbing wall.

Sasha put her hand on his cheek and looked him deep into his eyes "You're welcome. It was a lovely idea from them to do the things today. I think we both needed a little break from the insanity of war. Let's enjoy the time with them." She said and went back to the kids.

* * *

After spending the whole day with his kids and Sasha climbing up the walls and then later the day spending their time at the bowling center, he and the kids were exhausted. They all went to bed early.

Tom woke up in the middle of the night only to find the space next to him empty and cold. He looked around and then went downstairs to look after her. He found her wrapped up in a blanket around her shoulders on the sofa.

"You can't sleep?" he asked tired.

"No, not really." She answered.

"What's on your mind?"

"Everything and nothing." She answered honestly.

He nodded knowing exactly what she wanted to say. "Perhaps I can help?" He asked and sat down next to her.

"No, you can't." was her only reply.

"Please talk to me." he pleaded.

"No, not now." She said and looked at him. Seeing his features fall she added "Tomorrow when the kids are on their way." She brushed a finger over his cheek.

Under normal circumstances Tom would wrap his arms around her slender figure and take her into his arms and kiss her senseless. But now with the truce between them he didn't know how to react. So he leaned back on the sofa and letting her decide to make the next step. He needn't to wait long for her move. She leaned against his side and he wrapped his arm around her. Immediately she leaned her head in the crock of his neck and closed her eyes. It took only some minutes and she slept in his arms. Tom smiled a little bit about his ability to calm her down. After some minutes of enjoying holding her in his arms, he lifted her up and went upstairs into their bedroom.

* * *

The next morning came to fast. The kids packed their stuff to go back to St. Louis and he and Sasha had to leave for work. After finishing their breakfast they all went out of the door. Sam and Sasha went first and were talking about visiting them in St. Louis at the fourth of July. Tom walked behind them holding the suitcase in his hand.

"Packed your summer clothes?" he asked Ashley.

"Yeah" she replied.

"Rain gear? Spring in St. Louis is always wet." He asked again. Ashley could feel that he wasn't happy to let them go.

"I got that too, dad."she smiled at him.

He put the case down and reached out for her "Call me if you need anything".

Ashley went right into his arms and leaned her head on his chest. His arms snugged around her and hold her tight. He leaned his head on hers.

"I love you dad."

"I love you too, baby." He answered and closed his eyes holding her for the last time. He wasn't ready to led them go, not yet. But eventually he had to let her go and she stepped out of his embrace, grabbed her case and went to the van that was waiting for them. Tom looked after her with regret in his eyes. Will he see his kids ever again? Will he come out of this war in one piece and alive?

"Ash," he called and she turned around to look at him "Stay save."

"I want you to stay save too, dad, but more than that I want you to find peace." She said and turned around and climbed into the car.

His eyes followed the car until it vanished behind a corner. He led out a loud sigh and looked at Sasha who was standing at the curve watching the kids go.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry that it took me so long for updating. I hope this chapter make it up to you. There will be a little passage which is M-rated. I will mark it for those who don't like to read about it.**

 **Chapter 10**

Tom came home from an exhausting day at work. They went back and forth the whole day thinking and debating about Tavo's and their next moves. He saw Sasha most of the time and she looked so tired. Sometimes during the day he wondered if he was the cause for her not sleeping. But after the kids left for St. Louis in the morning they hadn't have time to discuss and talk about their little fight over the weekend. So they dropped their talk and went to work instead.

Now he was standing in the middle of his living room, staring at one of his favorite pictures of them: They both were smiling into the camera and he had his left arm wrapped over her shoulder. The same picture stood in his living room in the house in Annapolis. Mike had taken the photo at their housewarming party in Annapolis. It was a wonderful day with a lot of laughter. He wished they could get back to the earlier days where they were happy and he had his kids around. Now they are living in another city miles away from him and he and Sasha tried to make their relationship work. But he couldn't deny that it was hard to get going. His guilt of survival weight a lot on him. He sighed and went upstairs to change into comfortable clothes after taking a long hot shower.

While standing under the warm water he let his mind go back to the events of his fight with the kids and their spending time together after he talked to them. It was a lovely day and he felt peace for the first time in months. How on earth could he jeopardize his family? What on earth has he thought? He shook his head and went out of the shower.

After dressing into his sweatpants and T-shirt he went downstairs and started to make some dinner for Sasha and himself. He just finished setting the table when he heard the key in the lock of the front door. Sasha faltered in her tracks and looked at his back. When he turned around to face her he saw her reserve. Tom immediately dropped his eyes away and turned around to go to the kitchen. He couldn't bear seeing her with this expression on her face. His emotions were too close to the surface and he would break at some point. He wasn't ready for her to see him weak. Not now.

Seeing him withdraw into the kitchen Sasha realized that her face must have given something away to him. Silently she cursed his ability to read her so perfectly. She was an open book for him and he for her. Most of the times it was a blessing but not now when she didn't know where they both were heading with their relationship. She feared that she will loose him in one way or the other. Either in war or breaking up. She sighed and went to the stairs.

While she passed the kitchen he said without turning around "Dinner is ready in 15 minutes."

"I'll just jump under the shower. I'll be right back." She said and went upstairs.

Standing in the shower she let the events of the weekend passed before her eyes. What has supposed to be a nice weekend with the kids became a disaster. How on earth could this happen? And not the argument between the kids and Tom but also their argument. While the water cascaded down on her shoulders she had to remind herself to be reasonable and try to understand his reaction. With a deep breath she stepped out of the shower and grabbed her sweatpants and her favorite t-shirt.

Walking down the stairs with a heavy heart she heard him pottering around and sneaked into the kitchen only stopping at the threshold and tried to observe the scene. But as always he was able to sense her immediately as if he had a sixth sense when it came to her presence near him, he turned around and looked at her with hope in his eyes.

"Hey, just in time. Dinner's ready."

She helped him carrying the food over to the table and they sat down. They ate in silence for quite some time and she looked over to him when she was sure he didn't look her way. She saw that this whole situation did bother him and there were some lines on his forehead she hasn't seen before. He looked tired and at the same time seemed to be restless. She couldn't pinpoint what it was but she feared their talk. Feared that he will break up with her. Feared that he will give up life in general.

" _You wanted him to think about his whole situation, his indifference and feelings. Why are you so scared about it now?_ " She thought. But then immediately she heard the reasonable voice inside her " _Because you love him and don't want to loose him. You lost him once you won't survive the next time_."

She led out a soft sigh and looked at him again not thinking that he might look at her at that moment. When their eyes met she could see the sadness in them, the panic and fear. She reached out to him taking his hand in hers. At first she feared he would pull back from her touch but she feared for nothing. His grip tightened around her hand and he leaned into her. His lips crushed to hers and he kissed her hard. His other hand came around her head and he held her in place. Sasha was so perplexed about his reaction that the first thought was pulling back from him. But with his hand at the back of her head she wasn't able to. And to be honest with herself she didn't want to. She wanted to stay in his arms forever, feeling the safety of his arms. Without thinking she raised her other hand to his cheek and pulled him even closer to her. Tom swept his tongue over her bottom lip and asked for entrance which she granted him.

 **MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM**

While their tongues dueled with one another he stood up and took her with him. He lifted her into his arms and carried her to the next available wall and pressed her back into it. Her legs swung around his waist and she hold onto his body as if her life depend on it. When he pressed her into the wall she began to undress him. He had to let go of her when he felt her lifting his shirt. He obliged to her wish and lifted his arms into the air. Sasha pulled up his shirt and when it hit the floor her hands worked on his sweatpants trying to push them down. After he was shirtless his hands went directly to her sweatpants and he pushed them down taking her panties with and helped her to step out of them. When she was naked he manage to pull down the rest of his pants and lifted her up again. With one swift thrust he was inside of her and she hold onto his shoulders to steady herself. The house was filled with moans and soft cries while he mercilessly plunged into her. After a while he shifted a little bit so that he could penetrate her even deeper and with some more thrusts Sasha cried out as her orgasm hit her hard. When Tom felt her clench around him he sped up his speed again and with two deep and hard thrusts he spilled out inside of her.

 **MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM**

Panting heavily he leaned his forehead against hers and whispered "Please don't leave me."

She looked up at his words and her heart broke for him. He looked so vulnerable, tears were streaming down his face and she couldn't be angry at him any more. She took his face into her hands and wiped the tears away. Looking into his eyes she said "I won't leave you, silly. I love you too much." And sealed the statement with a kiss.

He let go of her legs and wrapped his arms around her waist to hold her tight. "I love you too." He replied and began to weep more. "I... I know I made a mess and I know ... I know I don't deserve another chance, but ... I love you so much and I wouldn't survive without you…..Your actions hurt me but I do know now that I hurt you too…. Please forgive me." He pleaded with her.

"You weren't alone by messing this up. I hurt you too. I knew about the feelings of the kids especially Sam's and I haven't told you anything. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, it would have been nice if you had warned me. But I expected too much from you." He said and took her hand into his and led her to the sofa. Sitting down he hold her close and continued. "Darien was always the cache between the kids and me. She talked to them and when something bothered them she talked to me in the evening. She let something slip and I asked her what she meant and she talked some sense into me." He chuckled a little bit about his memory. "She smoothed the way for me or for them. And I expected that you do the same, you know. And this expectation led to hurting not only me but all of you. I'm sorry to have put you in this position." He said earnestly.

"Well, I should have talked to you. Next time I will, promise." She smiled at him and stroke her fingers over his jaw.

"Please, love. It would save me a lot of pain." He leaned into her touch and kissed her wrist.

"Tell me about her." Sasha asked.

"Tell you about whom?"

"Darien. Your days while the red flu." She clarified. And when she saw his stoic expression she said hastily "You don't have to. If it is too hurtful..."

He interrupted her "No, no. I wasn't expecting that." He looked at her "But before I can talk about my wife I have to get dressed. It's a little bit weird, you know." He grabbed his briefs and her shirt off the floor and put his brief on. Sitting down again he gave Sasha the shirt. He took a deep breath and started "I told you a lot about Darien at the beginning of our relationship. Do you remember?" When she nodded he continued "You know that I was send last minute not to the Med but to the Arctic" he paused and looked at Sasha.

When she nodded her head again he said "Darien thought it was weird that Command changed the mission on such a short notice. But I never questioned the orders. I thought that I would see her again after coming back from my deployment. And all those months in the Arctic I thought about my family. I even recorded some thoughts and made videos. I hoped to send them when we weren't on emcon any more. After I learned the whole truth I was mad at Rachel and the government for not telling me. I tried to call them but the line was dead. I feared the most. Being stuck in the middle of nowhere and knowing that your family is out there on their own and you can't do anything than hope that they are fine is one of the most painful moments in my life. Believe me, I would take any torture than not knowing about the whereabouts of your loved ones."

He sighed and looked at Sasha. She could see that he struggled to continue and that it must cost him a lot to talk about the time up in the Arctic. But she was glad that he opened up after such a long time. Sasha squeezed his hand and he continued "At some point I was asked to CIC and waited for a message from the pentagon. But it wasn't a message from command but from Darien. Seeing her on the screen and hearing her voice after such a long time and knowing that others didn't survive, it overwhelmed me. It shook me upside down and my emotions were running high but I couldn't react to them. My crew needed to see me to be a strong leader and not weak. When I sat there I learned that my family was save at my father's cabin and that all of them were healthy. You can't believe how relieved I was to hear it. But at the same time it hurt so much. Not being there for them, knowing that I failed to protect them." His voice gave up and tears streamed down his cheeks once more when he remembered these days. Sasha took him into his arms and hold him tight whispering soothing words.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you again by asking about her."

"No, no. It's okay, sweetheart. It feels good to talk about her and that time. I do think I never opened up about that time. I told the kids yesterday that I tried to reach them when I found out about the virus, that I wished I was there with them."

"That's good, Tom. They need to know what you were going through. Not that I'm saying they should know about the fights you fought or the danger you got yourself in. I'm talking about the things you've done to contact them. They should know that you didn't sit on your ship and never ever thought about them." She caressed his cheeks ones more and he kissed her wrist again.

Tom took a deep breath and started to continue "When we got to Baltimore and delivered the cure my mission was done. The first thought was finding my family. It took me over an hour to get hold of them. Speaking into the radio and hoping to get a response. I nearly gave up, but then I heard the crackled voice of my father and he told me that they were in Baltimore. I was so full of hope, Sasha. Knowing that we were only some miles away from each other. That I could at least help them, it was such a wonderful feeling. And when we got to the location I learned that the country and the people has changed during the flu. Russ was injured and I send them back to the ship except for Burke. He came with me to Olympia. That place was so full of sick people and they all hoped to get the cure. I desperately tried to find my family. And then I heard Ashley's voice "Daddy?" and I turned and saw them sitting on a gurney, looking sick and tired. I went to them and gave the kids the vaccine and looked around for Darien. I turned to my father to ask where she was but looking in his eyes I knew that I was too late. Hearing from him that she died it ripped my heart out of my chest. I was so lost at that moment. Knowing that I won't see her again, knowing that I never feel her arms around me or make love to her. Who was I without her? Nobody. But on the other side I was so happy to have found my kids and dad. Well, when we got back to the James I settled them in my quarters, using my on-site-cabin for myself. My dad told me everything what happened and the kids talked about Darien. But all our way back to Norfolk I tried to distract them as good as I could. And after some time spent on land I went back to the ship and tried to help Rachel spread the cure. The rest is history."

"Thank you for opening up on this subject." Sasha said earnestly. "It means a lot to me." She leaned in and kissed him.

"You're welcome. It feels good opening up, you know." He smiled at her "What about you? How was it for you back then? Your husband stayed here in the US, right?"

She nodded her head "Yes, he did. Well, I got the order to go to Asia somewhere around the time you went to the Arctic. Julian stayed in Washington, cause he had to work. When I got to China it seemed that it would be a normal mission as always. Grab some information, giving advice to the ambassador. But then things changed. People got sick and I contacted Julian as often as I could and he told me that people got sick in the USA too and that he stored a lot of food at home. Just in case he wasn't able to get out. At some point I took matters in my own hands and managed to get out of the embassy right in time. Without Jesse I wouldn't be here any more. When I fled with Jesse I called him and he coughed the whole time, trying to tell me that he was fine and that he hadn't gotten the flu. But the whole time I could tell that he lied and we said our goodbyes. Not knowing if we could hear from another in the nearby future. When I could contact him again the line was dead. After you brought back the vaccine one of my colleagues went to our home and confirmed his death."

Tears were streaming down her face now and it was Tom who apologized for asking. She smiled through her tears "Don't be. One of the best things in my life happened back then. I met you again." She leaned towards him then and captured his lips. He deepened the kiss and then they said nothing for the next hour, making love to each other. Afterwards they laid tangled on the sofa a blanket covering their sweaty bodies. Tom caressed her back and her head rested on his chest. "Are we good, Sasha?" He asked her.

"Yes, we are, Tom." She replied and sealed their fresh start with a kiss.

The End

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 **Thank you all for reading this story and for all of your reviews. They mean a lot to me. I promise, I will continue my other story and there are some more in my mind. I just need time to write them...**


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